FEELS.

 

this past year has been a pretty pivotal one for exploring the 8 or so feelings i once thought i possessed. as it turns out the 8 was actually an infinite sign standing up, probably giving me the middle finger.

the truth is that my brain never stops. it’s my absolute worst enemy. really. nobody needs to really do or say anything to sabotage me or hurt my feelings because my scum bag brain has already seen me through every possible scenario. part of this past year has been learning to try to understand the complexities of my feelings and trying to sort out which ones are my own, and which are residual baggage left behind by other people. my findings? the two are often really difficult, sometimes nearly impossible to separate.

RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE MAKE YOU SCHITZOPHRENIC (you’re really not, though- so don’t worry!)

those voices i’m hearing telling me that i’m never going to be enough for another person sound an awful lot like the voices of my exes! not so funny the way that works… but part of my healing process has been trying to learn to give up the need for control, to let things take their course. my desire to have a clear cut definition of the relationships in my life comes from a lack of that in the past, and i recognize this. and while i know that i am entitled to know where i stand, part of this process has been learning to just be myself and PRAY TO THE ALMIGHTY that maybe (just maybe!) this time, i’ll be enough. because lets face it, i haven’t been once or twice and instead of chalking it up to experience and realizing that YEAH, THAT PERSON WASN’T RIGHT FOR ME, EITHER– i beat myself up instead, like it was all my shortcomings that made him want to have sex with every consenting vagina he met.

and i know that everybody feels the exact same fucking way from time to time.

this is scary, all of ‘this’… being vulnerable is scary. saying no for YOURSELF when you feel conditioned to say yes for someone else is also scary. the thought of having whats left of your banged up and bandaged feelings stepped on and ground into a bloody pulp is fucking TERRIFYING (and painful!). so you smile when you want to scream, and you laugh when you want to cry, and you say it’s alright when it’s really not and FUCK that person for even having to ask.

and at the root of all of this wargarbl is an acute fear of rejection, that i’m gunna put myself out there again and all the bullshit ive already endured will repeat itself, because quite frankly, history often does. we’re only human, we’re creatures of habit and fall into the same traps time and time again. and these voices scream in your head like warning sirens whenever someone doesn’t return your calls- it’s you, it’s always you. you’re boring. you’re shitty in bed. there’s someone else with a smaller ass and long, pretty hair and her clothes probably aren’t covered in dog hair and she is probably taller and cooler and has a college education and a normal fucking past or [fill in the blank with your own variations!]

and you shrink inside yourself because the world is full of bigger and shinier prospects than broken, pathetic you with your laundry list of flaws and your closet full of skeletons. because at the end of the day, who is going to remember someone as forgettable as yourself?

ouch.

but i’ve been soldiering through the terror and i can tell you that as long as you’re honest with yourself, the voices begin to lull and the world gets a bit quieter. i’ve began to treat every one of my experiences as an opportunity to learn something- be it sexual or emotional or mental, it’s all the same- the broken pieces are starting to fit back together in a way that they never have before and i’m gaining confidence in that.

because you know what else i’ve learned is SUPER, SUPER true!?

EVERYBODY IS JUST AS FUCKED UP AS YOU ARE, AS WE ARE. we’re all victims. we’re all insecure when we take off our clothes and when we say something stupid in front of somebody we like.  we’re just weird, awkward bodies and varying degrees of damage & searching intertwining for nights and weeks and lifetimes, sometimes. we’re complex & afraid. we’re afraid of the complexities in ourselves, let alone in others. we’re all hiding how we feel and we’re doing the best we can to avoid scraped knees, i guess. and you can’t blame other people for feeling however the fuck they feel, you can only be honest with your own feelings and hope that when the day ends, you can find some solace in that- and trust me, it’s possible. because really, relationships are the most self-centered experience you can share with another person, that’s the honest to goodness truth. learning to coexist with another person is an exercise in the willpower it takes not to take the nearest door out of there before the other person beats you to it.

so how do i really, REALLY feel and what have i REALLY learned? i feel prettier then a year ago, though i am still rarely the prettiest in the room. i feel sexually desirable but i’m still working on how to be more than just that. i’m learning to be honest. i am beginning to understand the spaces that separate what i do from what others do and from what others do to me, and i’m exploring the scary/exciting place where they all correlate. i’m gaining a better understanding of other people. i’m funny. i’m really fucking sensitive. i’m kinder and more forgiving than i gave myself credit for. i’m learning to think before i leap, to listen before i go, to ask before i assume. i am not what other people have done to me- they are.

but most importantly, i understand myself a little bit better and i promise you this-  it’s been fucking exhilarating.

so go ahead and ask for what you want. ask kindly. ask honestly. and if you don’t get it, quietly ask yourself why. then go. or stay. care honestly. if you don’t get it back, quietly ask yourself why. then go. or stay. be kind with other people’s feelings. be honest with your own. be afraid of the two, that’s okay, too.

and don’t ever, EVER forget that you’re unforgettable, baby. <3.