NICKELBATH.

epiphanies have a mind of their own & can strike absolutely anywhere at any time. in the blink of an eye, a new perspective is born & you decidedly, unwaveringly know in your heart of hearts that you fucking HATE people who rollerblade. or douchebags who bike with no hands. or how if you ever saw chad kroeger from nickelback in real life, you’d be compelled to punch him in his stupid goatee. or the way cilantro ruins an otherwise delicious plate. or the way cotton balls sound when you rub them between your thumb and index finger (WHAT?!).

it seems to much easier to get behind our ever-growing lists of dislikes when we’re called out on them than it does to talk about the things that don’t drive up our blood pressure, you know- the ones that actually make us happy? and while in the bathtub last night- that was just the epiphany i had.

…during a nickelback song. 

so i was contemplating standing up & soaking the bathroom floor to change the radio station when one of their newer songs came on, but instead i sat there and asked myself ‘what the hell is so wretched about this band that would drive me to get out of the bathtub just to switch this song out for a different mediocre one on another mediocre station?’ which spawned into ‘why do other people like nickelback so much?’ ‘why is chad kroeger a world-renowned douchebag who also happens to be far richer than all of his haters combined (“HAHA!”– chad kroeger)?’ but moreover- ‘why do i spend so much time hating shit instead of loving it?’ ‘what is the recipe for dislike?’ ‘what makes me so uncomfortable about the things i hate?’ ‘WHY DO I HATE NICKELBACK?!’ 

…’WHY DO I LIKE ANYTHING?!‘ 

shit got incredibly real and i decided i want to start delving into my feelings; not the mushy gushy ones that nobody else wants to hear about, but the horribly uncomfortable ones that would be hilarious to really reflect on, starting with nickelback, and eventually branching off into anything i mentioned in the very first paragraph. it’s pretty easy to discredit something and add it to the ever-growing stockpile of stuff you hate, but harder to find the good in it through unbiased observation. i am hoping that this will be an offbeat way to practice positivity & self-reflection/understanding.

i want to learn to understand why other people like stuff instead of deciding that i don’t, basically.

and here it is, my first dip into the cool pool of discomfort-

NICKELBACK

first- his voice. not awful, really. i am sure i enjoy bands who work with less. i’d call it pretty unremarkable, myself.. there’s nothing that outstanding about it, but nothing i found particularly intolerable, either. i tried to imagine him singing something in a style i like but drew a blank because i am not a fucking wizard, okay? with a legit fear of being lynched for saying this- i feel like he sings like a girly james hetfield, who i also don’t really care for. they have that same kind of growly thing going on- albeit very different styles- i truly believe that ex metal mothers could be nickelbacks target market once they have a few kids & get soft, yanno? i imagine this dude could hold a note while playing live, too. and he probably wouldn’t get wasted and forget his lyrics at one of his shows like marilyn manson did when i saw him a few years ago. i’ll give him a solid 7/10 in this department.

second- the band (like, NOT chad kroeger. or maybe WITH him, if he plays an instrument, which i think he might.) so the quality of the music they play is decent. i don’t claim to be a musician by any stretch, so i don’t know if my opinion means much when i say that it doesn’t sound like shit to me. i mean, blink 182 just plays 4 chords really, really fast & they made all of us lose our teenage minds, so fuck off with your high horse. it’s nothing super complicated, there aren’t any real epic solos or fancy breakdowns (thank god) but the quality is there and they obviously put some of their zillions of dollars towards studio time at places that make zillion dollar sound for moms to take their tops off to.

third- the lyrics. they suck. they’re super simple, every-man rhyming couplets that get turned into inspirational quote pictures on tumblr. these kind of lyrics drive me BONKERS & are probably the root cause of my dislike for this band. but i understand the appeal of being a band who writes shitty poetry to music and profits off of mass idiocy. not everybody appreciates or cares for “deep”, some people like simplicity because it really speaks to them. i think my disdain in this department is entirely personal, i can’t hate them just because he writes about stuff that boring people relate to and has gotten filthy rich doing it. in fact, i should probably take a note from the book of chad kroeger and start writing songs to line your litter box to. however, if you’re looking for something that doesn’t sound like entries from dr seuss’ prepubescent diary- i’d suggest looking elsewhere.

forth- chad kroeger AS nickelback AKA nickelback starring chad kroeger. i admittedly had an OG hate for avril lavigne that started in highschool. it was already enough to be the weird punk kid in a small town, it was a totally different evil to have a manufactured facsimile hit the radio & spawn a legion of deviant, tie wearing preps who suddenly loved ‘sk8er bois’ & suddenly had everything in common with you! EVERYBODY KNOWS SHE WAS A COUNTRY SINGER- CAMMAN!

but that scar is neither here nor there, the bottom line still remains that chad kroeger MARRIED avril lavigne AFTER she broke up with the lead singer of sum 41 (who always looked like a garden gnome, imho). i feel like if they ever had a baby, it would be the canadian antichrist. the fact that the two of them entered into a union of unparalleled mediocrity probably blew a maple leaf shaped hole into the ozone layer over manitoba or saskatchewan. their pairing undoubtedly made me hate chad kroeger even more, but in reality- they’re kind of well suited for each other. i’d say they’re on par talent wise, and this inspirational tumblr picture will illustrate it-

just because he looks like he’s 45 years older than her & seeing the two of them together is uncomfortable doesn’t mean their love is any weirder than any of ours. canadians are notorious for our strange couples- take celine dion and her dad, for instance.

i think that as a group, they are doing good things for us nationally, but more important are the things they are doing for our humble little country internationally– people all over the world LOVE them. wikipedia had this to say:

“Nickelback is one of the most commercially successful Canadian groups, having sold more than 50 million albums worldwide^[2] and ranking as the eleventh best-selling music act, and the second best-selling foreign act in the U.S. of the 2000s, behind The Beatles.^[3][4] Billboard ranks them the top rock group of the decade, and their hit song “How You Remind Me” was listed as the top rock song of the decade and the fourth song of the decade. They were listed number seven on the Billboard top artist of the decade, with four albums listed on the Billboard top albums of the decade.^[5]“

so the bottom line is this: nickelback doesn’t suck logistically & i can’t argue with proven numbers. the band is not just made up of chad kroeger, and i can’t discredit their music as a whole because i find their singers wavy mushroom cut irritating. would i stop using the word hate or dislike when describing them? yes, i would- i don’t HATE nickelback, i just don’t care for them. i wish chavril the best of luck with their bright future together, but i will continue to pray they never procreate.

ps- i am also fairly certain chad kroeger was inspired by zaphod beeblebrox from the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, no?